Spiral of growth or funnel cloud of chaos?
I wish I could tell you I have it all figured out. I wish I could tell you that the countless hours I’ve invested in myself have helped me to reach a state of total happiness, bliss and unconditional love. I wish I could tell you that I have turned all of that information into a magical solution that will instantly integrate all of your life’s lessons and make all of your discomfort and pain disappear. But let’s be real. That’s just not how this shit works. The Universe has been pushing me to speak from the heart for a while now. It has been inviting me to tell you the truth of where I am and what I am experiencing real time. It has sent me mentors like Glennon Doyle, Jen Pastiloff and Seane Corn. Amazing women who have written their raw truths in ways that moved my soul. Part of me has yearned for that level of vulnerability but the protector within has been too scared to go there myself. The fear within me says being that exposed would be career suicide. Who would want to work with me if they knew I don’t have all my shit together? What if people see the real me and don’t like what they see? What if I open my heart to the world and someone tears it to shreds? What if I say something stupid or unintentionally offensive and ruin my reputation? What if …? What if …? What if …? The exhaustive list of what ifs is what has repeatedly scared me back into safety. It tells me to use the words that sound nice and don’t ruffle feathers. The stories that are relatable but carefully curated to avoid discomfort. What I’ve learned is that playing it safe is getting me nowhere. So today I’m taking Brene Brown’s advice and choosing courage over comfort. I woke up at 4:44am Monday morning and here is what I wrote. Frustrated. Tired. Anxious. Today is my day to create. How the hell I’m supposed to create something uplifting and inspirational when I feel like this emotional rollercoaster could flip me upside down again at any moment?! I’m stressed about the state of the world. I’m worried about what this is going to do to our economy and the individuals who won’t be able to pay their bills. I’m pissed at the individuals who are fueling this mass hysteria and I feel deeply for those who are too caught up in it to realize that they don’t have to buy into the bullshit fear mongering that is spreading like wildfire. My neck is throbbing with pain because I have so much to say but I’m too terrified to say it. I’m afraid that what I have to say will ruin my life. That I’ll lose my career and potentially my livelihood. I worry that my relationships will never be the same. I fear that I’ll finally gather the courage to speak up only to find out that in some way I was wrong and should’ve just kept my mouth shut. So, here I sit. Neck throbbing. Tears streaming down my face. Wanting to scream. I don’t understand how it got to be this way. I thought we were experiencing a spiritual evolution and that the world was becoming a better place. I thought my own spiritual awakening would lead me to greater happiness, love and compassion. What it feels like right now is a whole lot of confusion combined with an uncomfortable mix of anger and sadness. I don’t know how to be in relationships with certain people that I love who haven't woken up yet. I can’t imagine going back to a soul sucking corporate job that would make my financial life so much easier and yet I don’t know how much more I can stretch myself and keep leaning into the unknown. Every cell in my body wants to be of service and yet I can’t seem to get out of my damn own way to make that happen. I keep taking bold inspired actions only to land flat on my face time and time again. WTF Universe?! Is this even my path??? Of course it is. It has to be because I can’t possibly imagine doing anything else. I’m just so sick of this spiral of growth feeling like a funnel cloud of chaos! I just want to be making a difference in this world. Is that really too much to ask? I clearly don’t have all the answers, but that isn't going to stop me from continuing to ask questions. I know that right now I have to listen to the wisdom of my body and keep leaning heavily into my personal practices. I'm spending a lot more time in meditation than normal because it's the only thing that keeps my mind from running wild. I constantly thank Source for the support and help that I need because I can’t imagine how much worse my life would be without it. I continue to explore the depths of my thoughts, feelings and emotions with the help of my journal because bottling it all up is no longer an option. I'm also leaning on my coaches, guides and mentors more than ever. I remind myself to take each day one moment at a time. Trying my best to remember to choose love. Watching myself stumble and fall. Then getting back up, brushing myself off and choosing again. I don’t know where you are at in your journey or how this current environment is impacting your life, but I want you to know that you are not alone. None of us are. We are supported in ways that we can’t even imagine right now. Everything that is happening is preparing us for something better. It is creating discomfort because for some of us, that is the only way we will ever change. Now is the time to lean in to your personal practices and find creative ways to stay connected.
If you are looking for support in how to navigate these difficult times, please click here and schedule a free possibility conversation with me. During this 90-minute complimentary conversation we will dive into your true potential and identify the stories and fears that are holding you back from experiencing your greatness.
As I said before, I don’t have all the answers, but I do know where to find them. Holding space and diving deeply into the unknown are part of who I am. I know what it takes to do the inner work and would love to support you in your own process of healing and transformation. Together we can explore the parts of life that are uncomfortable because we both know that the only way out is through. Our greatest growth comes from our most challenging moments, so let’s make the most out of this opportunity.
Members of my free subscription, Live Your Truth, also receive inspirational quotes, affirmations and journal prompts for integration. Click here to join and receive your bonus content.